5 Ways to Thrive After Narcissistic Abuse

A must-read on the road to recovery

After leaving my 20 year marriage, I was both emotionally and physically shattered. I had no idea that the emotional and sometimes physical abuse that I endured was narcissistic abuse and that my husband was a narcissist. I was determined to become whole again. My career, self-esteem, mental and physical health, and relationships were all in need of repair and I had to figure out how to put them back together again. Here are 5 things I did to repair my emotional and physical damage, and to eventually start living for myself again.

1. Get Professional Help

When I escaped my narcissistic abusive relationship, I had already suffered years of verbal abuse and emotional manipulation. I had low self-esteem, boundary issues, anxiety, paranoia, restlessness, and lack of confidence in my decision making. I was a confused and an emotional wreck. Although initially, I didn’t know that my husband was a narcissist or what narcissistic abuse was, I knew I needed help. I had felt traumatized and defeated by my husband’s behavior in the marriage and more so afterwards, so I specifically sought out a trauma therapist. My therapist helped me understand my husband was a narcissist and that I was suffering from a unique form of PTSD. She helped me deal with issues surrounding my fear, confusion, co-parenting, depression, and feelings of guilt and self-doubt. I was lucky to find someone who happened to be a practitioner of Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). Through EMDR, I was able to go deep and confront my trauma and anxiety head on.

2. Be honest

Be honest with yourself and those that love you. It took awhile for me to admit to myself that I had been mentally and physically abused by my husband. Not only was I embarrassed to be seen as a victim of abuse, I had also been conditioned for years to hide the reality of my relationship from the outside world. Once I was honest with myself, I was able to release the shame associated with being abused and focus on my healing. Once I admitted my abuse to family and friends, they were then able to give me the extra support that I desperately needed in order to thrive.

3. Set Boundaries

Boundaries are key to escaping the narcissist’s emotionally charged hold on you. Their psychological web of chaos can be dangerous and a destructive distraction from your healing process without strong boundaries in place. After the narcissist realizes that they cannot win you back through “love bombing” tactics, the smear campaign begins. They will distort the truth, go after what you value most, and turn your friends, family, and even work against you. They will fight mean and dirty. If at all possible, put boundaries in place before the smear campaign starts. When possible, there should be NO CONTACT between you and your narcissist. You should go dark and block them on social media, email, and phone. Don’t accept gifts, meet them, read their letters, or let people give you messages on their behalf. They will be relentless, and you will need to be too. I would have saved myself a lot of tears and unnecessary anxiety if I would have set these boundaries sooner.

If you have children with your abuser, the NO CONTACT approach is rarely possible. Co-parenting with your narcissistic ex is never a viable option either. As an alternative, I suggest parallel parenting. In parallel parenting major issues are decided together but day to day issues are left up to the parent who has the child at the time. In order to further minimize interactions you should show no emotion in your communications, keep communication to one day a week, and use a court monitored communication tool such as Family Wizard or Talking Parents. It is impossible to avoid all confrontations with a narcissist but these strategies will cut them down to a minimum.

4. Get Healthy

A natural consequence of the one-sided relationship with a narcissist is that you start to neglect yourself in order to spend more and more time making your narcissist happy. Additionally, narcissistic abuse has been known to trigger anxiety that will oftentimes manifest itself physically. With the increase of stress from the relationship and no time for yourself and self-care, your health and physical appearance begin to suffer. Make an appointment with your dentist, dermatologist, and get that annual physical. See an acupuncturist to help you manage your stress and a chiropractor for the nagging pain. Try out a new workout and schedule an appointment with a nutritionist. It’s time to focus on you and get yourself healthy again.

5. Rediscover What Makes You Happy

When I finally left my narcissist husband, I realized that I lost sight of myself and what really gave me joy. I had been told for over 20 years that the things that had brought me pleasure were stupid, a waste of time, or that I was simply bad at them. Rediscover those activities again and find new things that pique your interests. Better yet, call an old friend that you’ve lost touch with and invite them to do an activity with you and catch up.

If you’re still in a relationship with a narcissist, please leave. It will take strength but I know that you can do it. True happiness is within your reach.